Swylce

Musings and Writing of GG Alexander

After Diary – December

with one comment

03/12

Doesn’t feel like the run-up to Christmas. No light or shitty adverts or music blaring out of every shop.

We talked about whether we should get presents for each other this year. Decided not to – even Ben said so. He’s really mature from all this. Eddie said he might go hunt something for us to eat on the day. Hope it’s not pigeon. Don’t want to eat whatever the fuck city pigeons have been eating, dirty flying rats.

Weather’s pulled back a bit. Actually bearable. Or maybe we’re becoming used to it. I only really thought about it the other day, but it’s still nice to just sit in a book shop or a coffee shop and read by yourself. I cleaned the dust out ages ago, and now actual dust is starting to settle about. I get a bit spooked every time I hear a noise, though. After a while the wood’s going to rot or something and the whole shop might domino down on top of me. Being crushed to death is a pretty shit way to go. Not the worst, of course, but pretty shit. Sudden unexplainable Plague is far better.

08/12

Rats. In the storage. Never been so fucking angry in my life.

Crystal said I looked proper scary. I made myself a spear and went hunting but they’re too fast. Luckily there’s still loads of rat poison in all the shops, ha ha ha! Reading about setting traps as well, for when it runs out. Need to find some stray cats and breed them (plus, bonus kittens. I think we could all do with some cuteness).

Traps and poison do nothing for the maggots though. So upsetting throwing out floury things. Kind of wish it would snow, so we could refrigerate something other than ourselves.

Think I’ve lost weight with all this worrying and running about. Cold has something to do with it as well. I would be happy, but I’m actually kind of nervous. I was pretty much the only one of us who could survive on their own stores for a while if we ran out of food. It’s like having a protective blanket taken away. I mean, I know it looks worse than being thin, but I never got ill as much as my skinny friends, and when I don’t care about romance or whatever then caring about my appearance over my health is pretty fucking stupid.

We don’t like it when Crystal has a cold, which is pretty much all the time. Louise said surely it’s about time Marie came back and looked her and the baby over. There’s a doctor in Govan, though, so we can just ask him over. It’s quite nice, knowing we’re somewhat connected.

11/12

Spoke to Osian for the first time in a while. He asked if I forgave him, and I said ‘For what?’ and he seemed to like that. Didn’t forgive him for long though.

He says he’s giving up on the Plague.

I was all ready to give him a huge bollocking, but he started telling me some of the things he’s been figuring out about the Plague. He said it’s not a chemical thing or a disease or anything like that. The way everyone just collapsed into pieces means it must have been some physics thing we’ve never heard of. He told me about these bombs that detroy your body in the most painful way imaginable by altering the water balance in your cells or something. I can’t really remember – it went over my head mostly. But he said he doesn’t think he can learn anything more, especially by himself. Said it’s completely beyond him why it didn’t affet some of us – must be a genetic mutation or something.

I asked why anyone would want to use a weapon on us and he got all scholarly on me and talked about the UK’s enemies and such shit. I don’t believe it. Why Glasgow, out of everywhere? And if it was just Glasgow, or Scotland, then why hasn’t anyone come to help us yet?

I asked what he’ll be doing instead now then. He said mainly helping us get clean water and trying to create a working battery. And something else, with a shit-eating grin. I’m worried.

16/12

Was talking to Claire about books I’d read and ended up in this massive ranty speech about Vitorian books and things and told her the entire plot of Mill on the Floss, and then Middlemarch. Louise listened in, and then everyone listened in. Then Dave said they both sounded stupid and boring and I had a go at him for being a football-loving beer-swilling retard and ran off. Think I’ll stay in one of the rooms of the hotel instead of the concert hall lobby tonight.

19/12

Eddie caught a massive rat and cooked it and ate it and it was fucking disgusting but also delicious just to have cooked meat. Said next thing he’ll get is fox. I bet fox tastes all stringy, but hell if rat can taste good then anything can. But then, he did put a fuckton of spices on it. Spices keep for pretty much forever. So does honey, if it doesn’t solidify. And all the stuff that’s bad for you, ha ha.

I miss bread. Flour in general. Also been craving salad something awful. Eddie and Claire got me to help a bit with the garden. Glasgow Green looks far nicer with plants over it. Sky’s been clearer. You get a nice breeze and that winter chill feeling and sometimes I like how damn quiet it is. For half a second. Then I want to cry. I’d even take a bunch of teenage neds as company at this point, just for extra humans.

22/12

I was working with Crystal and she randomly burst into tears and said she misses JJ and is worried he’s abandoned her. One of those uncomfortable moments when your brain is shouting “I told you so!” but you just can’t say it. Had to lie and say he’ll come back for the baby. She said the baby is all that’s keeping her going. She misses her family and friends. I said she should go back to the West End if she misses her friends, but she said she doesn’t want to be somewhere else if JJ comes back. It’s not far, and he’s on a bike, I said. She wouldn’t hear it. I’m no good at comforting people.

24/12

They actually got a fucking fox! I can’t wait! It sounds stupid but I’m actually going to enjoy Christmas for this!

25/12

Merry Christmas, dead Glasgow.

(Yes the fox was delicious)

26/12

Don’t know what to say about last night. Still a bit overwhelmed by it all.

After dinner, we all sat around as usual (Osian’s been joining us and everything), and we were singing Christmas songs and then Louise starts singing ‘All Alone on Christmas’ and then I remembered when they had the outside cinema on George’s Square last year, and I went along with the Sci-fi society to see Home Alone and Home Alone 2 and Christmas Carol and so many other ones, and it rained and we all huddles under each others’ umbrellas and complained about our cold hands, and suddenly I missed them, I missed them all so much I couldn’t breathe – Eilidh and Gary and Tom and Mhairi and Kate and even the people I didn’t like, like Stewart, or care about, like Imogen. And I couldn’t imagine that they were all just gone, gone like that, and all the people I saw die in H&M had friends and families and parents and people they loved, and kids, and oh god all those kids that had suddenly died, and their teachers too and neighbours and even the news presenters at the BBC and the cameramen and sound peope, everything, everyone everywhere, just so many people GONE, never to come back, not ever. All those dreams and quirks and personalities, just gone like they didn’t even fucking exist or matter at all.

I couldn’t handle it. I started bawling like a baby. I hate crying in front of people more than anything, but I couldn’t help it. I think everyone was surprised, because they were all hugging me and saying it’d get better, and then because they were being so nice I just kept blubbering, and then Claire started saying all this motherly stuff and patting my head as she hugged me and I couldn’t take it, I just let everything out – I told them that I was a waste of space and I didn’t deserve to live, I didn’t deserve to be alive when so many other much better people were gone, fucking dead, and that I was useless and I couldn’t ride a bike and I could barely cook and I couldn’t make electricity or clean water or help to recreate anything from before the Plague because all I was good at was reading and being a bitch.

I didn’t believe them when they contradicted me at first. Ben said about my cake, then Eddie said about all the work I’d done collecting things, and Crystal said she’d never have thought of all the things I’ve thought of, about keeping things safe and stored. Then Louise said of course I was useful, because I was smart. What the fuck does smart mean in this sort of situation? But she said all the books I’ve read help, and she loves hearing about the stories I’ve read because it makes her feel better, and feel like she’s in the past again.

Everyone said they needed me. Everyone. I know they’re just saying that because I’m alive, because we need everyone alive, but I kind of believed they meant it generally. I mean, I was the bitch who rationed water. I was the bitch who forced them to eat beans and tinned greens all the time. I’m the one who made them work when they didn’t have to work ever again. But we’re here, and alive, and I guess we’ve all done what we can to help. I just want everyone to live so god fucking damn much that I don’t care what else happens.

Made me feel good. I still don’t see why I’m alive out of luck, over anyone else, but I have to appreciate it. Mum and nan always wanted me to appreciate what I have. I miss everyone like I’d miss my own leg, but then so does everyone – we’re all suffering. Just got to keep going, I suppose.

Merry Boxing Day.

28/12

Osian said that I’m more useful than I realise. Funny how he waited three days to say that. He said one day, when we’ve gathered more of the Glaswegian people together to one place, I’ll meet some amazing guy who’ll appreciate me for all I am.
‘Bastard,’ I said, ‘what if I’m a lesbian and I want to meet an amazing woman?’
Oh man the look on his face was worth it. I couldn’t breathe for laughing and only barely managed to say that I was joking. He smiled and said that got him good. Made me happy.

31/12

Went out with Crystal and Louise today, looking at baby things in the storage. I tried to keep it tidy so it was easy to find what she wanted, but s

Wait I hear something. Sounds like JJ’s back? Suppose Crystal will be happy. He’s shouting something, Osian too, about the sky – sounds scared – wait

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Written by G.J.

03/01/2013 at 9:28 pm

One Response

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  1. Awesome. Very well done.

    Jenna

    jascribbles

    04/01/2013 at 9:17 pm


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