Musings and Writing of GG Alexander

Savage Writing: Naked Bouncy Fun Time

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Funny how, considering how silly the theme for this week was, mine was the only non-serious story.


This is Karen. She is short and has a tiny arse compared to her breasts. She likes swearing at the phone after she’s hung up on someone she hates. She dislikes the persistent smell of naan bread that wafts out of the bakery near her house. Her favourite word is “sclerotic”, not that she knows what it means – she just likes it because it sounds like both a mental condition and something someone smart would say on the TV. Her shame is that she actually hates romantic comedies and prefers pretentious artsy films, but her boyfriend keeps taking her to see rom coms and she loves the dogged look of concealed hatred he wears too much to tell the truth. She is standing with her forearms crossed to cover her nipples, and trying to remind herself of the new phone she’s going to buy with help of the money she is given here. She is curiously unconcerned about covering her nethers.


This is Phil. He has a bald spot on the back of his head whose existence he ignores, and the hair on his arms is considerably darker than the hair on his legs. He likes long walks on the beach; he dislikes that that’s a romantic cliché because he just likes seeing his two dogs playing in the water while he thinks up grand scenarios in his head – of espionage, and cowboys, and what he would say if aliens came down on him at that moment (so far he’s convinced he’ll start with “Don’t touch my dogs!”). His favourite word is “fudd”, which he learnt on a holiday up in Scotland one year and has been using with glee ever since, to the mystification of his friends and family, who think he is just pronouncing the word “food” weirdly and in strange contexts. His shame is that one day when he was a teenager he stole the cap from a beggar and ran away with it, only to throw it away as soon as he got home because it stank of piss. Unlike Karen, Phil is most concerned with covering the region between his legs, even though he knows what he signed up for. He’s joked to his pals that he’ll spend today’s money on a lap dance, but in truth he’s going to buy six bargain-bin action films and a bottle of gin and combine the two this weekend.


This is Doctor Mark. Mark is not a medical doctor – he did a PhD in politics before doing animation at college – but he likes having people to call him “doctor” anyway so he feels better about sitting in front of a computer all day. He likes mentioning to strangers in the pub about polygon modelling and rendering because it makes him sound really smart. He dislikes doing this when his best friend Jeff is in the pub with him, because Jeff’s an astrophysicist and that’s so much sexier than computer animation (except today, of course). Mark’s favourite word is “Nietzschean”, which he likes to throw into every inappropriate point in conversation, both because it makes the other person struggle in ignorance and confusion and because it’s fun to say. His shame is that he came up with this idea on a whim and later found an excuse to justify him doing it, and also that he gets a perverse throb from seeing both Karen and Phil at his mercy.


And this is Ekaterina. She is Mark’s assistant today, and she is currently behind the window in the video room, hiding her face behind her clipboard as she tries not to laugh. She likes trying to see how many different coloured hair clips she can fit on her head to hold up all her layered bangs. She dislikes how constantly cold air-conditioned computer labs are, and how she has to take a cardigan to work no matter how hot it is outside. Her favourite word is “schadenfreude”. Her shame is that she only agreed to help with this ridiculous video because she thinks Mark is kind of hot, even though he reminds her of her brother in a weird way. She watches as Mark explains the purpose of the video, and the ethics and anonymity. Then he gives a quick demonstration of the movements they are to do, before turning and pointing to her – the signal to start recording. Karen and Phil start jogging on the spot and doing star jumps, and the screens in the video room fill with trackers on all their wibbly bits. She rests her forehead on the clipboard in quiet hysterics. On the paperwork this study is titled ‘Adipose Physics.’ On her own paper, Ekaterina has crossed that out and written instead, in block capitals: NAKED BOUNCY FUN TIME.



Written by G.J.

23/08/2012 at 10:43 am

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